I feel very complicated .

Mood swings ? I doubt . Could it just be me or perhaps something else that is bothering me ? Man , this is killing me . Lets see what is on my mind . Currently , I am thinking about A. and beach's outing . I can't be paranoid over A. , can I ? Well , Rezwana Bestf. said I am thinking too much about A. , till I get myself agitated . I don't blame her cause I am fucking head over heels for him .

Am I someone so superior till its hard to ' click ' with me ? I don't like being portrayed as the queen or anything of a standard . It makes me feel insecure . Y'all think that I have 'em dudes in my hand , but it looks like they are playing the ' safe game ' . Life is all about being rejected and accepted . &Out of all 'em dudes , I can only pick one and I suppose they don't feel comfortable being rejected . I don't blame them . But shouldn't they know that if I accept their next date means I still wanna know them ? My god , being the ' ball ' is a tough play .

From my point of view , A. must really feel very insecure because I have been dating around . &Like what Aunt Liya said , I should make up my mind fast before its too late . Truth said , I already made up my mind and I know I want A. and only A. . I did mention to him that I was dating around because I'm finding for someone better than my ex . &I did find my prince charming , though I doubt he knows it is him I'm referring to .

I must say that this is the longest period of time I've been single , though I love dating around . But somehow , I get tired of doing so . I'll just continue dating A. till he pops out the question which he has been keeping quite about it , since he is very shy about it . &The weird thing that ponders me is , he wants to be with me but he is very shy about us dating . So much contradiction . But R.Bestf. said that the time will come for him to be comfortable with me , though I've been trying my best to make him comfortable around me .

Is patience even virtue ? Is patience worth it ? I don't really know because I've been patience before and it just backfire me . I want A. to prove it to me that patience is virtue and then , I shall believe it . Y'know , I can brag about A. all the way but someone or whoever might just get all fucked up about it ; Knowing that he is way-way better than them .

PS : My statistic says out of 10 , 9.9 people whom I know , likes him better than you . &They say he is way-way-way better than you in terms of looks , character-wise , attitude , age , career ... etc. . The first impression counts . Somehow , I like how this is going though I shouldn't put much hope in it . I'm always praying for the best and I wish that Allah grant my wishes . &I am going to fast a day if A. pops the question on the 14th of December . I can't wait and I hope it does come true since Fee Bestf. told me about it ( well , not the question but the status A. and I are having ) .

Since I poured out what has been bothering me , I kinda feel a lil' better . But the only way to cheer me up or to put a big-big smile on my face is for A. to text/call me , informing me that he wants to meet up with me . God , can You make this happen ? I'm down and only A. can paint my smile . Pretty please ?

xoxo .